January 24, 2010

The Sunday Salon

Reading has been hard. Hard to get motivated and hard to stay focused. I guess I'm in a slump. French Milk was okay. I'm liking My Life in France more. And I'm listening to the audio form of Bleak House. I'm so glad. I don't know if I would have kept up with it in the paper version. It's a looong book with looong chapters full of looong descriptions of a whole lot of stuff and even more people. Dickens was looong winded.

I'm emotional. All. The. Time. There's the depression I've been fighting with since Thanksgiving, the intensifying chronic insomnia, and then the passing away of my uncle. I'm a wreck. Ask me a question and I will snap at you. Say boo and I will burst into tears. I'm so frustrated about everything. I ruined dinner tonight. Bacon spit in my face leaving a blister near my eye. Someone left a comment on an old review and I freaked out. I have a big zit on my nose. My pajamas were wet when I put them on. I can't figure out what to read next. Every one of these things is worth sobbing tears. But what is really bothering me?

I want my uncle back! And I want to wake up from a deep, restful sleep and find my joy in the everyday. But for now I'd take having my uncle back.

So, to change the subject, I've been creating. It gives me something to focus myself on without requiring too much from me. I've been crocheting scarves for that Etsy shop I'm still planning to open. The crocheting has been a point of happiness amongst the gloom. I love how the scarves are turning out. They're curly; some are lacy looking(like the one pictured which is my favorite), some fluffy, some skinny. I love playing with different colors and textures. Creating something beautiful rejuvenates me. This is why I need that Etsy shop, so I can buy all the pretty parts and turn them into a beautiful whole without breaking the bank.

Blogging helps me to feel better too. Thank you to those who stop and listen for a while. I appreciate you.


Leslie said...

Oh Petunia, my heart goes out to you. I am whispering a prayer for you as you do this very difficult, heart rendering work of grieving. Give yourself grace. I've heard it said that grieving is like an onion. There are many layers. Give yourself grace. Hugs from tx.

bermudaonion said...

I'm so sorry to see that you're going through such a rough patch right now. I hope things improve for you soon.

Ti said...

You could not have expressed yourself any better. I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough to share your feelings with us. It's so hard to deal with the day-to-day when inside you just feel like crawling into bed and hiding under the covers.

I adore that scarf. It is a bright patch in a bit of gray right now but I think you have the right idea. Finding beauty in simple things can only help.

Petunia said...

Ti-I cried when I read this. When I reread my post from last night I thought you all would think I was a total lunatic. It's good to know that I was at least somewhat coherent. There is so much more going on right that I cannot share but it means alot that when I need to, I can open up and there is someone there that cares.

Thank you Everyone.

Robin said...

No, I don't think you're a lunatic. But I feel for you, as I've gone through similar slumps, depressions,and grieving periods. Let yourself cry and grieve, but please do open up to someone (us, too) and share your struggles. You are not alone. Hugs to you.

Michele said...

I think you may have actually already found what will help you through this: writing. Your post expressed your feelings beautifully and poetically....you have some real writing talent.

Jenny said...

Aw, Petunia, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time! Depression and insomnia don't play nice together. :(:(:( I'm glad you're taking care of yourself with the crocheting - the blue scarf is so gorgeous!

Zibilee said...

Petunia, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I know it can be horrible to be caught up in all those negative emotions and I'm sure sleeping so poorly doesn't help. I am glad that you are at least finding some peace in your creative efforts and are able to do something that has a tangible effect on the way you are feeling. I will be keeping you in my prayers and thinking good thoughts for you. Hopefully this will not last long and you will be able to feel much better soon. Please take care and be good to yourself.